TV: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

No TV and no beer make Homer something something

Gord and I arrived in Costa Rica with grand plans to get jobs, learn Spanish, study finance, work out and get tanned. However, we still had the foresight to pack an entire CD book full of television series and movies on DVD. We were concerned (obviously) that after our tiring yet fulfilling days conversation might be too much effort. We packed seasons 3-5 of The Wire, 1 disc of Sex and the City (compromise), 2 seasons of Arrested Development, a number of movies, and (just in case) a season of 24. When we got to my parents’ place in the Bahamas we also took a season of Boston Legal, and seasons 1 and 2 of The Wire. In retrospect, this sort of hoarding should have demonstrated to everyone, especially ourselves, that working all day was certainly not an option.

We arrived at the condo in Costa Rica to a very large TV. We immediately ripped through seasons 1-3 of The Wire and our season of Boston Legal (highly recommended – Shatner, Spader, and Candice Bergen are all gems). We threw on Arrested Development in the background of many a hungover session. Oh yeah, we also tried really hard to get jobs. Last week we received our actual TV which is even bigger than our temporary TV! Large, wall-mounted, plasma-screen… it is fantastic. Except that we bought the cheapest DVD player in town and the new TV will have nothing to do with it.

Do not despair on our behalf however, for there is a wonderful array of English channels at our fingertips. Some highlights; NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, Discovery, E!, MTV… oh joyous day! I’ll let you know what this means to me. Most importantly, I can tune into Jeopardy daily at 5:30pm. I absolutely killed it in today’s episode, no big deal though. This also means I get Mythbusters, Conan, 30 Rock, The Office, and a variety of crappy reality shows (that I love). There is a dark side to this story. The Simpsons is on here, but with complete Spanish voiceovers. It is called "Los Simpsons" and Homer sounds all wrong, but when I watch it on mute it's still hilarious! Probably because I know every word. I know I can get it online, but I am just going to wait until I get back to Canada. I’m going to order a Crispy Chicken Classic Combo from McDick’s (with orange drink and sweet n’ sour dipping for the fries) and watch The Simpsons until my eyeballs fall out. Or until I get hungry again and need a poutine. Oh Sunday television on Global, I am your biggest fan!

One is the Onliest Number...

Gail picks her nose. And eats it.

Let’s face it. There are some things out there that are better off enjoyed alone. We’ve all experienced the “thank God no one is here to witness this moment” feeling. I am going to outline a few activities one should aim to execute in solitude.

1. Nose Picking.
We all do it. Some boogers are high-maintenance, thrill-of-the-chase bitches. Nose-picking is always best done in private. Which is weird because everyone does it, no one is exempt from it. Frequently, people mistake the pod-like comfort of their car for solitude. Many a passenger has passed a road trip counting the unwitting nose-pickers. Something about singing out loud just lets all the inhibitions fade away.

2. Reading Crappy Novels
You know. The books you buy “just for traveling and reading on the beach”. They are, like, sooo embarrassing! The second you see the person across the aisle peering at your book’s spine you feel the tingle of shame. You may get up to go to the bathroom (ahem…bookstore) and then come back with a Time, Atlantic, and New Yorker. THERE it is!!! Silly me! Extra points if your book contains any euphemisms such as “heaving breasts” or “throbbing member”. Literary porn is hot. And best enjoyed alone.

3. Sleep
Sleeping with another person is admittedly amazing. Spooning is superb and nothing makes a bad dream seem more ridiculous than the solid presence of another person beside you. BUT. When that person gets out of bed in the morning and leaves you the entire warm bed, all the pillows and covers, and the sweet spot in the middle of the bed that is slightly indented….Its all yours!! Oh the glory of the morning sleep.

4. Friends. The TV show.
Watching Friends with other people is lame. However, watching it by yourself is a whole different ball game. You know everyone!! I could give you hypothetical scenarios and you would all be able to tell me whether or not your friend Monica or your friend Joey would actually do such a thing. Try me, you say?? Monica is cooking a delicious dinner while Joey tries to sneak morsels and she swats at him with a spatula. Ohh Monica with her kitchen and Joey with his food - totally plausible. Rachel visits a museum with Ross only to find out (I knew it!) she’s related to Anne Boleyn. WRONG bitches – Rachel would never go to a museum with Ross, HE’S the bitch. I, however, am related to Anne. No biggie. See how well I know my friends?? ……..And see how it is only cool when you’re alone??

Die Jimmy Fallon, Die

"No one who speaks German could be evil!"

Much like Sideshow Bob I harbour in my heart the hatred for a human being. Jimmy fuckin Fallon. I haven’t gone so far as to tattoo his name bookended by the words “die” (German for “the”) on my body… yet. How fitting that the exact Simpson’s episode I’m referencing was probably written by Conan, who now precedes Jimmy’s terrible show with his comic genius. Oh, serendipity!

Back to Jimmy Fallon – in an exercise in masochism last night I subjected myself to watching his show in its entirety. I’m not sure where Fallon went between SNL and his disaster of a late night program, but he needs to go back there. He might be actively sucking the funny out of things that were formerly of the humourous persuasion. Was he ever funny? My SNL memories of Jimmy Fallon are of him being unable to keep a straight face during skits where Will Ferrell and Amy Pohler were being funny. That was his “thing”. The “ohh isn’t it funny when actors break character and laugh in a scene for attention….its so hilarious that even Jimmy cracked!”. It is not funny, its bogus Jimmy Fallon and I’m pissed.

Clearly there were not auditions for the Jimmy Fallon Show – he surely would have been cut immediately following the teleprompter round. His eyes can only dart off his precious prompter for an instant… and then he inevitably stumbles over a word, mispronounces it, and ruins the joke. Last night he actually read “wii” (as in the hugely popular video game system) as “why”. It effectively ruined the punchline of an already lame joke. Another ‘joke’ Jimmy fed us was about the last survivor of the Titanic dying. He said she died doing what she does best… Treading water. Groan. Then he said, instead of flowers they are requesting that people send… iceberg lettuce. Really? Really Jimmy!? I’m all for inappropriate jokes, but they have to be funny. No one wants unfunny iceberg lettuce, it’s at the bottom of the lettuce totem pole. It would be cool if he said she drowned in her bathtub, because if she survived the icy waters of the Atlantic only to meet a watery end in her own home, that would be ironic. But to say she died doing what she did best - that’s like saying Wayne Gretzky died playing hockey. I swear Jimmy, I am thisclose to getting that tattoo right now!

The weak laughter and often-flubbed jokes make even Jimmy feel awkward, but not that funny Mac/PC awkward. It’s more of a shifty-eyed, please-like-me, awkwardness which just makes you want to claw at your face. Thank god Jimmy isn’t a puppy, because I’d really like to kick him (Note: DO NOT kick puppies under any circumstance). Alas, there is light at the end of the tunnel! Conan O’Brian precedes the Jimmy Fallon Show and will surely display hilarity, right down to the roots of his hair. (Jimmy’s band is The Roots – the shame they must feel). However, extreme caution must be exercised for Jimmy is on right after Conan so the second Conan bids you goodnight, hit your bong and GO TO BED!

Becoming Unbinged

Four Drunk Eyes

Living in Costa Rica with no job is a lot like being in university. The similarities are obvious. I am “learning” (taking a finance course, learning Spanish), my parents are far away, I have no money, I sleep in, and I get wasted a lot. The differences are less subtle beginning with the fact that I have no friends. However this does NOT stop Gord and I from getting drunk. In fact, I think it actually encourages us. We have hunted down every happy hour in town. We start drinking at noon because we can!

One random Wednesday night we went out for dinner and ended up… wasted! One of my favourite pastimes is “accidentally” getting blackout drunk. If you know me, you know I love to get drunk. But if you have ever lived with me or dated me you’ll know I love nothing more than to plan a nice little evening out, and then go ahead and get completely shittered. Something about not “planning” to get drunk makes the idea seem novel and spontaneous. I also feel like this somehow absolves me of any responsibility for my actions like, “Oopsie, look what happened. This really is not what I had planned!”

Results from nights like these usually run the gamut from sleeping in and being late for work (not going to happen here) to falling of my bike and sleeping on the couch (bingo!). Yep, not only did I miss the turnoff for my own street, I fell into gravel, and passed out alone on the couch. We both woke up with such raging hangovers that I immediately jumped on my bike to find a phone with which I could cancel our Spanish lesson. Now, if you think this is despicable I beg of you, stop reading now!!! This was the grossest, most hungover day of life. Excepting the shameful phone call, Gord and I did not leave the house all day. Or the couch. We had the AC going full blast and we ate KD with hot dogs, wished for pizza delivery, and finally having no groceries at all… I made hotdog-fried rice. I would like to point out that the hotdogs were really more of a spicy-sausage variety, but I’m pretty sure everyone has already slotted both Gord and I into their “on par with the homeless” category.

We’ve both gotten pretty epically drunk recently but I’m pretty sure that was our mutual rock bottom. We haven’t missed a Spanish lesson or eaten a hotdog since! However today IS Wednesday… stay tuned.

Big Newb

Franklin's Girlfriend

Hello strangers of the internet!!

First-time blogger here and I feel incredibly awkward. Comparable to when I went to a new school in grade 10 and everyone wore uniforms and knew what was going on but me. So I seated myself in the section which was apparently for the Grade 7's and for the first week everyone thought I was a tall twelve year old.

I'm actually of average height and all grown up now. I don't have a job, but watching TV and drinking casually, excessively, and in moderation help to pass my days. Oh yeah, I am living in Costa Rica with my boyfriend. I can't go swimming because our pool has been mysteriously drained and roped off like a crime scene (I'm sure it's not one). Sooo, it's off to the bar! Nothing like booze to ease those awkward newbie feelings. Perhaps I'll drunkenly blog tonight and then we'll all be best friends forever.

Salut!!!! (that's how they cheers here)