One is the Onliest Number...

Gail picks her nose. And eats it.

Let’s face it. There are some things out there that are better off enjoyed alone. We’ve all experienced the “thank God no one is here to witness this moment” feeling. I am going to outline a few activities one should aim to execute in solitude.

1. Nose Picking.
We all do it. Some boogers are high-maintenance, thrill-of-the-chase bitches. Nose-picking is always best done in private. Which is weird because everyone does it, no one is exempt from it. Frequently, people mistake the pod-like comfort of their car for solitude. Many a passenger has passed a road trip counting the unwitting nose-pickers. Something about singing out loud just lets all the inhibitions fade away.

2. Reading Crappy Novels
You know. The books you buy “just for traveling and reading on the beach”. They are, like, sooo embarrassing! The second you see the person across the aisle peering at your book’s spine you feel the tingle of shame. You may get up to go to the bathroom (ahem…bookstore) and then come back with a Time, Atlantic, and New Yorker. THERE it is!!! Silly me! Extra points if your book contains any euphemisms such as “heaving breasts” or “throbbing member”. Literary porn is hot. And best enjoyed alone.

3. Sleep
Sleeping with another person is admittedly amazing. Spooning is superb and nothing makes a bad dream seem more ridiculous than the solid presence of another person beside you. BUT. When that person gets out of bed in the morning and leaves you the entire warm bed, all the pillows and covers, and the sweet spot in the middle of the bed that is slightly indented….Its all yours!! Oh the glory of the morning sleep.

4. Friends. The TV show.
Watching Friends with other people is lame. However, watching it by yourself is a whole different ball game. You know everyone!! I could give you hypothetical scenarios and you would all be able to tell me whether or not your friend Monica or your friend Joey would actually do such a thing. Try me, you say?? Monica is cooking a delicious dinner while Joey tries to sneak morsels and she swats at him with a spatula. Ohh Monica with her kitchen and Joey with his food - totally plausible. Rachel visits a museum with Ross only to find out (I knew it!) she’s related to Anne Boleyn. WRONG bitches – Rachel would never go to a museum with Ross, HE’S the bitch. I, however, am related to Anne. No biggie. See how well I know my friends?? ……..And see how it is only cool when you’re alone??