Die Jimmy Fallon, Die

"No one who speaks German could be evil!"

Much like Sideshow Bob I harbour in my heart the hatred for a human being. Jimmy fuckin Fallon. I haven’t gone so far as to tattoo his name bookended by the words “die” (German for “the”) on my body… yet. How fitting that the exact Simpson’s episode I’m referencing was probably written by Conan, who now precedes Jimmy’s terrible show with his comic genius. Oh, serendipity!

Back to Jimmy Fallon – in an exercise in masochism last night I subjected myself to watching his show in its entirety. I’m not sure where Fallon went between SNL and his disaster of a late night program, but he needs to go back there. He might be actively sucking the funny out of things that were formerly of the humourous persuasion. Was he ever funny? My SNL memories of Jimmy Fallon are of him being unable to keep a straight face during skits where Will Ferrell and Amy Pohler were being funny. That was his “thing”. The “ohh isn’t it funny when actors break character and laugh in a scene for attention….its so hilarious that even Jimmy cracked!”. It is not funny, its bogus Jimmy Fallon and I’m pissed.

Clearly there were not auditions for the Jimmy Fallon Show – he surely would have been cut immediately following the teleprompter round. His eyes can only dart off his precious prompter for an instant… and then he inevitably stumbles over a word, mispronounces it, and ruins the joke. Last night he actually read “wii” (as in the hugely popular video game system) as “why”. It effectively ruined the punchline of an already lame joke. Another ‘joke’ Jimmy fed us was about the last survivor of the Titanic dying. He said she died doing what she does best… Treading water. Groan. Then he said, instead of flowers they are requesting that people send… iceberg lettuce. Really? Really Jimmy!? I’m all for inappropriate jokes, but they have to be funny. No one wants unfunny iceberg lettuce, it’s at the bottom of the lettuce totem pole. It would be cool if he said she drowned in her bathtub, because if she survived the icy waters of the Atlantic only to meet a watery end in her own home, that would be ironic. But to say she died doing what she did best - that’s like saying Wayne Gretzky died playing hockey. I swear Jimmy, I am thisclose to getting that tattoo right now!

The weak laughter and often-flubbed jokes make even Jimmy feel awkward, but not that funny Mac/PC awkward. It’s more of a shifty-eyed, please-like-me, awkwardness which just makes you want to claw at your face. Thank god Jimmy isn’t a puppy, because I’d really like to kick him (Note: DO NOT kick puppies under any circumstance). Alas, there is light at the end of the tunnel! Conan O’Brian precedes the Jimmy Fallon Show and will surely display hilarity, right down to the roots of his hair. (Jimmy’s band is The Roots – the shame they must feel). However, extreme caution must be exercised for Jimmy is on right after Conan so the second Conan bids you goodnight, hit your bong and GO TO BED!